A vintage rulebook for model railroaders:

I don't know who wrote this, but they hit the nail on the head!


THE RULEBOOK OF MODEL RAILROADING

With thanks to Murphy and his laws



Model Railroading is the only hobby that attempts to duplicate
reality, from trains, trees, and buildings, to grease, weeds,
and bird poop.

Given this complexity, it is interesting that model railroaders are generally spared from alcoholism and drug problems. This is probably because we spend all our money on the hobby instead of drugs and drink, and don't have the time to do this anyway, since we're always in the train room.

Insanity, however, IS a general problem.


GENERAL RULES

In order to complete Task 'A', you must first do Task 'B'.

In order to complete Task 'B', you must complete Task 'C'.

In order to complete Task 'C', you must first complete Task 'A'.

The phone will only ring when you have both hands holding a
freshly-glued joint. The same rule holds for wives and children
needing your attention. An answering machine will help the
first condition. The second condition is incurable.

Cats and model railroads do NOT mix. Keep the door to the train
room closed at all times.

Always remember that when measuring things, 2 + 2 = 5 for large
values of two, and 2 + 2 = 3 for small values of 2.


SOME RULES FOR ASSEMBLING CAR KITS:

1. When you get home from the Hobby Shop with your expensive,
complex new kit, you immediately look at it and inventory the parts.
Upon inding all are there, you carefully put everything back in the
box.
Three days later, when you decide to start the kit, there will
be at least one part missing.
2. The instructions will be misplaced, and when you think you
have them, you will discover half way thru the kit that they are for
another kit.
3. Each small part must be dropped on the floor at least once.
4. At least one of the parts dropped in Step #3 will not be
found.
5. At least one part dropped in Step #3 will be broken.
6. Upon completion of the kit, it must be either A) dropped, or
B) have glue spilled on it. This is known as 'Weathering'.
7. Upon passing the Inspection Track, it will immediately derail
on your layout.
8. It is amazing how many lineside structures can be made out of
kits that you have screwed up.


SOME HELPFUL HINTS FOR KITBASHING:

Regardless of all your careful planning, your prize-winning
structure will absolutely not fit in the space you so carefully laid out
for it.

The locomotive mechanism which you spent 2 weeks tuning to Swiss
perfection will fail miserably when you put your beautiful
superstructure on it.


DEALING WITH GUESTS:

Rivet Counters may be easily discouraged by informing them that
you are a member of an obscure cult that practices human sacrifice.

Always have a model of a power plant on your layout. This will
make track power failures and short circuits easily explained as
'Prototype Practice'.

Neat little scenes like hobos under a bridge, drunks outside a
bar, a minor automobile accident on a street, help to divert a guest's
attention from the obvious fact that half your railroad is
unfinished.

When someone utters the phrase 'Toy Trains', immediately go into
your speech about scale, total realism, prototypical operation, and
the myriad skills needed to build your empire - carpentry, painting,
electrical, metal working, plastering, etc. etc. Don't forget a
litany on creativity. At this point the guest will conclude
that you are incurably insane and will drop the subject.

Keep a supply of cigars handy; when a guest wonders why your
steamers do not emit smoke, light up a cigar and the matter will be
settled at once.



RULES OF OPERATION:

Automatic couplers won't.
Automatic uncoupling ramps won't either.
However, both of the above will readily function whenever you
don't want them to.

When, out of morbid curiosity, you decide to run your best
locomotive wide open to see how fast it will haul those 10 cars and
scratch-built caboose, a series of 12 horrible crunches will inform you that
you forgot to put your lift-out section in place.

Derailments and stalls will always happen in tunnels when no
guests are there. If you are showing off your empire to others, the
derailments and stalls will always occur in the most visible
place.